How does childhood affect your love style?

When you say ‘I love you’, what do you mean? Perhaps you are hopelessly romantic and feel, “the best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds”.(Notebook fans any? ). Maybe you are an “I’m a grenade and at some point, I’m going to blow up and I would like to minimize the casualties.” person (the touch-me-not plant type, a master in bottling up emotions).

There are many variables to check on compatibility. Whether someone is materialistic or excessively lackadaisical; an open book or mysterious. It all boils down to the way we define love and what we really mean when we say those magical words, ‘I love you’. Perhaps you thought all of us have the same definition of love. The feeling of love, however, is specific to individuals. It might be magical for a few, divine and magical for many, heck, even transactional for some.

Ever thought why this difference? Ever wondered how you think love-at-first-sight makes no sense, all the while your best friend is waiting to lay sight on her prince charming to immediately fall in love with?
Our idea of love can depend on our childhood, cultural expressions, movies, or even past experiences. Talking about childhood, I already have written articles on how it molds our adult life to a larger degree than we realize. Let me tell you, love and relationships are no exceptions.

There is always a logic, there is always a history.                      

“The family relationship is the first intimate relationship of your life, and you apply what you learn to later relationships,” Xia, researcher, Penn State, says. “It’s also where you may learn how to constructively communicate—or perhaps the inverse, to yell and scream—when you have a disagreement.”

The childhood we had, certainly lurks in the shadows, behind the guise of a “fully functioning adult”. If you are wondering to what extent? Quiet significant actually. So much, that it becomes a part of who we are, how we communicate, and how we filter emotions.

There is so much of what parents do that influences their children’s future relationships. Parents should realize that relationship with their children influences them in future. Healthier the parent-child relationship, the healthier the child’s future relationships.

Milan and Kay Yerkovich, two marriage and family counselors, discovered that everyone has a specific love style based on how they were raised and what their childhood was like. Through extensive research, they figured out the five most common love styles that people exhibit in relationships.

Love matters

Children who have a healthy relationship with their parents are more likely to develop positive relationships with other people around them. They can establish secure bonds and friendships with peers. A secure attachment with parents helps promote a child’s cognitive, emotional, and social development. It also helps kids exhibit positive social behaviors.

A love style is essentially a set of inclinations and tendencies of how we associate and relate to our romantic partners. According to Milan and Kay, a majority of people fall into five categories. They are: the pleaser, the victim, the controller, the vacillator, and the avoided. (To know more about them, check out the website)

Humans have an inherent desire to be close to other people. To connect and build relationships. While a man stranded on an island, talking to a coconut isn’t necessarily “healthy,” his compulsion for a company is. That’s because the fact of the matter is, healthy relationships can help make for a healthier overall life.

But what exactly does a healthy relationship look like? The key element is to be comfortable with reciprocating and being balanced in giving and receiving in a relationship. It is also essential to notice our own strengths and weakness without idealizing or devaluating.

We all are unique. We have our own needs and desires when it comes to relationships, handling stress, and living a healthy, meaningful life. If you’re the type of person who enjoys being alone, that’s okay too, but attempting to make a couple of close relationships could mean noticeable benefits to mental and physical health.